Just another Tuesday..

So we had our regular appointment today with Colter's cardiologist today and he is just so pleased with Colter. He can't tell us enough how great Colter looks, he also mentioned he was going to call Seattle and report just how great he's doing. He said it's about time Colter starts shocking us in a positive direction. All in all it was a great appointment, his ECHO looked the same, which is good that means he's stable. Like Dr.Hardy said it's better to stay stable then to go backwards. Some other exciting news is that Colter has tolerated small small (5mls) bollis feeds. So the goal is to get Colter tolerating bollis feeds every 3 hours and continuous through the night. How long will Colter be tube fed you ask? Well I asked the same thing. Unfortunately time will tell, but more than likely it's going to be possibly a couple of years.

With all the good news today I still walked out feeling pretty sad. Don't get me wrong, grateful SO grateful for Colter's continued success in the road of recovery. I thank God everyday for allowing Colter to be with us. The reason I felt sad was because they had to draw blood today. They couldn't get it from his arm so they ended up taking it from his scalp. As they were struggling and trying to get a vein, most mothers of "normal" babies would be in tears. But as I sat there holding him down, and whispering to him it was going to be ok, I felt nothing.. Nothing....then I felt guilt of coarse. I've been robbed of those feelings, I've seen Colter hooked up to so many lines. I've seen his poor little veins collapse so many times from over use that they move to his feet to give his hands a "break". I've seen him cry with a ventilator in only he had no voice. I've seen our poor baby on ECMO his body so swollen from open heart surgery, chest still open, and still trying to open his swollen little eyes. The list could go on and on, so I guess when it comes to drawing a little blood, it doesn't really get to me anymore. That's sad...It shouldn't be that way..

I've been thinking lately about how hard it is having a heart baby, not knowing what his future holds. It doesn't matter how hard you try to understand what Tyler and I have been through with Colter, you just can't even fathom it. Trust me, you can't, because if you haven't been through it, it's just not possible to know. When I was at the senergis clinic on Wednesday there was a dad there with his daughter (a heart baby). I was SOOOO excited to meet another family with a heart baby, finally someone who spoke our language, and although this baby hasn't had to have OHS yet, it's a possibility in her future. When I asked if she was a heart baby he seemed so sad to say yes, my heart hurt for him. I was at that point at one time, sad, just sad that God made Colter broken. Sad that our sweet little baby has to go through so much. I know now that Tyler and I are the perfect parents for Colter, and I trust and know in my heart that God knows what he's doing, and no matter the outcome Colter is a blessing and has taught us so many things about ourselves and each other. He's given us strength we didn't know we had, and most of all Colter restored our faith. I did manage to give him a brief of Colter and just let him know that he's not alone, and there is hope. By the time we were walking out I met 2 more families!

Life's so beautiful and I try and remind myself of this everyday. I'm so lucky to have a healthy daughter, a son who continues to defy the odds and an incredibly supportive husband. The love in our home is apparent, and I'm so blessed. I still have my moments though, usually when everyone's in bed I'll just start to cry. I cry because I'm so thankful Colter's alive, we were so close to losing him. I'm not sure if everyone's aware of just how close we were.Well friends we were as close as you get. We still find out at appointments how worried everyone (Dr's) was when we left Seattle. They were sure we'd be back..This has changed me, it's changed everything about me. You know what? I'm NOT even sorry about that. I'm such a better person today then I ever thought I could be. Little things don't matter to me anymore, petty things nope. The second I decided to QUIT trying to control everything, and leaving it to God, life's been going much better. I'm so THANKFUL for everything in my life<3

Well I will be updating next week, hope you all have a lovely weekend!

 Ashlynn showing off her new dress..

 Colt

Getting dirty with her cousin :)